totally terrified

the thought of moving back to kansas has been an intangible dream for so long that as i begin to stoke the fire of the reality of moving back home, i am terrified. totally terrified. isn't that odd?  i left kansas 9 years ago this month. i was a baby, 20 years old, and a newly, blushing, bride.  i was completely absorbed in my new marriage and the excitement of the journey that was ahead.  and now, i am terrified to return.  i am not who i was when i left kansas 9 years ago.  i am the mother of four children, and have almost ten years of marriage under my belt.  i hardly resemble who i was when i left. i am not terrified to return to my beloved family and the intimate group friends that i still have there b/c they have grown me with over the last 9 years. they know who i am today, and have no illusion of me being who i was 9 years ago. but i have no desire to go back to who i was 9 years ago.   it's not like i have this huge bucket of regret about who i was, more-so, i LOVE who i am today. the freedoms, and the fountain of grace which i live and dance under has brought amazing life to my soul. reverting back to sara, 9 years ago, would be a horrible tragedy. so, i hesitate.  for the last 9 years mark and i have had to be in very vulnerable places to build new community. our little family became the nucleus of life for us.  we found community and friends that had no idea who we were before we arrived, and that was so refreshing.  being unknown has it's definite down sides, but it is also a beautiful revealing of the person, the family, you want to be without the boxes of the past.

so dear kansas, we have not met yet, let me introduce myself.
~s