the trip toto took to kansas... (part 5-the finale)

thankfully the beeping fire alarm was only happening in our room. no need to evacuate, just a simple phone call to the front desk. after the phone call to the front desk didn't work, mark did what anyone else would have done in the middle of the night.. he took the battery out. we figured if there was a real fire dad and andrew would let us know from across the hall. we all slept. not for long, but we slept. we were ALL anxious to get on the road for our last day of traveling. we were east of st louis with only a few hours left.

dad and i road the last leg together. we had yet to ride just the two of us. it was totally appropriate that i re-entered the town i grew up in with my dad. we laughed, we talked, we cried... well,.... i cried.  the man who is A LOT responsible for the person i am today, got to end a chapter of my life with me and begin a new chapter with me. he was and continues to be such a blessing to me and my family. he is such a safe place to air out my frustrations, fears, and joys. the gift of a father who imitates the real Father is unmeasurable. dads, if you want to give your children a gift.. don't be there God.. point them to their God.

the story goes on. mark and i got really sick with strep throat and some awful, awful, form of a monster cold and cough. our vacation to mississippi was canceled, the house we moved into did not have a working air conditioner,  our car needed a brand new transmission with the price tag of 3 grand, mark started a new job far from home, we had adjustments and moving tasks piling up all around us. the more that happened the more overwhelmed and exhausted i became.  one day i spent the whole day in the bed crying. my body just could not take another "thing".

over the course of the move many people have commented on our trip.  lots of people have mentioned that they felt like God was testing us and they were thrilled that we passed "the test". honestly, i think that's hog wash. i don't serve a God who is handing out pop quizzes and semester finals trying to determine if i have what it takes to be a follower. if this was a test, then i totally and miserably FAILED! God does not stroll the throne room concocting tests to determine the core temperature of his beloved children. people point to "tests" in the old testament, and i think that's merely our american "pass or fail" interpretation on those stories. we want to pat the "good boy" on the back and demonize those who screw it up. that's not the story of redemption. that type of application of peoples testimonies only leaves one with guilt and shame. i don't serve a God who hands out buckets of guilt and shame. that is a ploy of the devil. that is a lie that people and churches, all alike, are passing out as sunday school favors.

for me, this week long of "shit-happenings" was life in the post Genesis 3 world.. it was a van that rolled 200,000 miles and is notorious for breaking down. it was a bad engineering design on the person who made the car carrier. it was sickness that found us sleep deprived and vulnerable. it was not a semester final handed out by the Almighty. it was life. plan and simple. if you were a fly on the fall during the trip you would clearly see the unrighteous ways i responded to crisis. thank God that this isn't about me and my holy and unholy ways of responding to life. really it's about God being found in real life. bad things happen to good people b/c of sin. not b/c God decided to test me. i don't get to God by my own goodness, my own good deeds, my own good responses, when the junk hits the fan. i get to God b/c of God. b/c of His deep, deep love and b/c of His deep, deep, grace to rescue me DESPITE me. i am a failure. there is no "test" that on my own two feet i would EVER pass. and that's right where i am suppose to be. seeing my weaknesses and my deep, deep, need for a Savior! seeing my life circumstances with the unfailing hope that my God is in the midst of it, is the ongoing lesson here. not passing or failing. merely hanging on by a thread of hope... a hope that transcends horrible moves, unspeakable pain, damaging earth quakes, tornadoes, and hurricanes. hope that lives while death and hopelessness consumes the hearts of people without THE Jesus to call their Savior. this move was awful. i am still reeling from it. i have debt. i have frustrations and anger to work through. i have boxes still unpacked. i am still grieving leaving VA.

but i have hope....

i have Jesus!

~s