throwing the towel in...

i know, i know, i am behind on "the trip that toto took." but today is officially, "holiday hangover" day. no, not THAT kind of hangover. the kind of hangover when the children are excessively needy and whiny, and the house is excessively dirty, and i am excessively needy and whiny.

today, i REALLY wanted to shut the blog down. i have partially learned to sleep on such large decisions, but today it almost happened. NOT because i don't LOVE writing, OBVIOUSLY. mainly, b/c to write the way that i write you have to allow yourself to enter a level of vulnerability that many people NEVER allow themselves to enter. i think it's so fun that people get to read about our life, i think it's such a blessing that you guys give me such sweet feed back about being blessed through what God is doing in our hearts... but sometimes it really sucks, b/c very few people return the favor and are honest and vulnerable back. now, don't hear what i am not saying (thank you, dave) i don't want long emails about your life and it's happenings. i don't want or need you to pour out your heart to me. rather, it just makes me want to stop writing, and stop being vulnerable in such a public arena. sometimes i think, "wow, everybody knows these really intimate things about our lives, by our choosing, but i don't have the honor or privileged to know intimate things about all my reader's lives."

and while people pray for us, encourage us, send us hilarious comments, i feel like in some ways i have lost an element of privacy. when random people begin to face book me i think, "are they doing this b/c they want the inside scoop on my mom's deterioration so they can update the pray chain.. or do they honestly care to be involved in the awful, heart-braking process? does giving them access to our lives via the blog, eliminate people from having to initiate contact with us b/c they feel like they already have the whole story?"

do i want to continue to pour into the blog the hours it requires? or pull back for awhile, set some boundaries, and try again? these are some things i am REALLY thinking through lately. ultimately, i think deep down inside i am hurting. hurting b/c my story right now involves a lot of pain, a lot of sadness, a lot of REAL life being lived out. and in our culture today so few are willing to share their lives with others in a honest and real way... below the surface in a deep, meaningful, "cut the crap" kind of way. if anything, my blog is the real story. sometimes TOO REAL.. but i feel like i have given my readers the gift of realness.. so in return i ask that you invest in a real relationship with someone else... a relationship that requires no pretense or pretend. that's where goodness is found. where fellowship of the sweetest kind is acquired. turn off  "real world" and find your REAL WORLD next door, outside, in a coffee house, in a sanctuary, in a phone call, and maybe in a blog.

until next time,
~s