Marriage Part 3, Behavior Modification

one of my FAVORITE concepts from the marriage conference was the following: a lot of marriage counseling today is focused on behavior modification. counselors move couples from one behavior modification cage to the next. no one ever purposefully exposing the core issues of the heart. behaviors can change for only so long before the over spill of our heart reveals itself again.

for instance, a wife says to her husband, "all of our marriage problems are your fault. if you would only love me the way that i need to be loved it would be a lot easier to respect you." a counselor then suggests that she give her husband some ideas of how that might look to her... she gives her husband a list:

1. bring me flowers.
2. help with the house work and the kids more.
3. plan a date.
4. cuddle with me more.

her husband is automatically placed in a cage. if he can successfully navigate the list then maybe, just maybe, his marriage will work. so for days, weeks, months, etc... he tries really hard.... his wife is very pleased with his efforts and all seems to be smooth sailing. they both rave about their counselor and the great strides they have made in their marriage.... and then, one day he comes home from work exhausted, and falls asleep on the couch while his wife is preparing dinner, and she loses it. "You never help with the house work, you are so lazy and unthoughtful...etc.."  and the cycle of good behavior ends, and husband and wife are back at square one. she is blaming him for all that is lacking in their marriage.... when really, this is a lot more about HER then it is about him. for instance, maybe this wife has deep daddy issues. she came into the marriage feeling very unloved and insecure. and for a short time her husband met a need. she has spent her whole life trying to gain the approval of others so that her love cup would be filled up. so when her love cup is not consistently being filled by her husband, she responds with anger because she is hurting. the counselor didn't take the time to get to the core issues of her insatiable need to be loved. rather, he spent time trying to modify the behavior of the husband to satisfy the wife. how much better than would it be if the counselor took the time to address those heart issue of the wife, so that a long term solution could be found?

don't hear what i am not saying... wives need to feel loved by their husbands. AND should communicate the things that make them feel loved. husbands need to do things that communicate love to their wives... but as we discussed in part two... no one human being has the ability to meet all the needs of their spouse. your marriage is doomed from the beginning if this is your goal.

but if we are willing to evaluate our own heart in the midst of an argument with our spouse, our eyes might be opened and the problem might be solved more effectively and permanently. what specific areas trigger deep conflict and pain in your marriage? identify them, and then take time to figure out what the CORE issue is... in other words, what's the REAL problem. the REAL problem is probably NOT that your husband leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor when he comes home from work.... it might be that you feel that he doesn't appreciate your hard work in taking care of your home, and his actions strip away any appreciation you might feel. he does not affirm your place in the home and does not lend a helping hand... so even IF he did put his shoes away everyday for a week... it does NOT eliminate your need for him to affirm you and help.. so this issue will find another way to be exposed... maybe he does not clear his plate one night after dinner... and WHAM, the argument begins again. at this point, the husband feels that he can DO nothing right, and ultimately stops trying. do you see the cycle that spins out of control when we only address behavior modification?


now, think about how this exact concept applies to EVERY relationship in our lives. specifically child rearing. if we only desire to modify our children's behavior so that we look good and they look good... we have done them SUCH disservice.. we never address their heart... and the core issues... consequently, bad behavior continues to find alternative outlets, and we parents are left feeling like failures. mainly, because all the while we have been trying to modify the behavior and NOT address the heart.

and, for all of us the same heart issue exists. we all are longing, striving, painfully working, to fill a need so desperate, that we spend a life time searching for it in our spouse, in our families, in our careers, in our children, in our status, in our homes, in our education, in our friends, and even in religious banter and canter that leads to a dead end.

it's not WHAT we need... it's WHO we need. and His name is Jesus, Abba, Emmanuel... He came as a babe 2,000 years ago.. and He, HE has the ability to satisfy EVERY need and EVERY desire that swims in your soul. i don't say that because it's some pretty promise or mantra that i have learned to spew all over you... but i can confidently shout it from the mountain tops everyday. HE is everything to me. He is the very source of my strength and the very source of my life. Without Him I am nothing. My best efforts, my best works, my best love lists are garbage without Him. Without Him, no marriage can satisfy even an inkling of what we desire. Without Him, the abundant life that we have been promised, never comes to fruition.

But with Him, we can plunge into such mysterious levels of joy and peace, that are unexplainable and undeniable.

Don't miss Him!
~s