Living In the Storm Part 4, I miss the way it was.

I am grieving. The kind of grief that startles you in the middle of the night and won't let you go. The kind of grief that makes you want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day long. They say the cycles of grief are just exactly that, cycles. You leave one only to enter another. I am in the cycle of anger. Selfishly, I am angry at all the people out there with able-bodied mothers who are busily preparing Christmas festivities so that things could be the way they were. And really, the anger is simply masking my deep sadness. I really have no desire to begrudge you and your healthy mom.  :)

It was about 4 years ago that we realized that things would never be the way they were. Us kids found ourselves more on the adult side of Christmas than ever before. It was hard. It is hard. It wasn't necessarily this fun transition of the monarchy fading out and generation 2 taking over. It was like, "ok, it's not getting done, pull up your boot straps and make it happen."  Fix the meals, decorate the house, organize the gifts, and try in every way to make the processes easier.

Today, I am 1100 miles from my family. I am cleaning toilets and crying into them. Today, I am making Rice Krispy treats and beating them into their mold instead of gently forming them. Grief does that to you. And I have no desire to shove my feelings aside and pretend that everything is ok, it's not.

If you have an able-bodied Mom who is busy preparing Christmas festivities, hug her, thank her, appreciate what she is doing, then file it all away in a protected place in your heart.

Sorry for my pity party today. I bet you thought you were coming here for some holiday cheer...

I will only wallow here a moment.

I have much to be celebrating! My sweet in-laws arrive today, my parents come Tuesday, my kids and husband are going to LOVE their Christmas gifts, and I have been giving a great promise that someday all things will be made new.

Until then, I miss her.

~s