today, the girls and i were having a fall cleaning party in the bedrooms, complete with microphone brooms and justin bieber lip syncs (i make a mean ludcris if i say so myself :)! i came out of the bedroom to dump some trash and found this little guy doing something i imagine all little boys have done or will do. this little boy is such a blessing in our home. as of late, he has just managed to be the calm in the midst of lots of drama. he has such a sweet way of loving his Mama, he makes me feel special and set apart, just like his Daddy makes me feel.
as i zoomed some monster trucks and raced some cars something clicked inside my heart, and tears began to flow. you see, i've been unsuccessfully and desperately trying to make my life and all of it's circumstances line up nice and straight and neat like this row of trucks and cars. life seems to be SO uncertain right now in so many different areas, and it appears as if i do not do quite as well as i thought with the unknown. just last week i told my dear friend that everything is NOT fitting nicely into the "everything is fine" box right now. i've moved from waffle square to waffle square in our lives attempting to control to the unknown. because there is so much i can not control i am trying to at least pretend i am in control. i am not a super numbers person, i don't think in numbers, but recently i have been obsessed with the budget to make it look different so that i could feel like i was more in control. (laughable!) i have mulled and mulled over Mom's care and the predicted outcome, and i have tried to come up with a rescue plan to make it all go away. i want to scoop down and eliminate all the hurt, pain, and internal conflict i see in my mother's eyes, and use my magic wand of control to make it all disappear. i have been picky and unfair with kids, consequently i am swimming in the quick sand lie of motherhood guilt; "they deserve so much more than me!" i whisper in the dark of night.
i am scrambling. i am being scrappy. when i played basketball it was always a compliment when someone told you you were being scrappy on the court. unfortunately, being scrappy on a regular basis does not reflect my desire to be steady, strong, and courageous.
it was inevitable, i was going to eventually come to the end of myself and my futile attempts would run out. i had a really ugly cry over lined up trucks and cars. who does that?
recently a very wise man told me that according to Psalm 77 God is in the sanctuary as well as in the raging sea. right now i feel like i am spending 90% of my life in the raging sea. therefore, i take great comfort in knowing the precious promise from Isaiah 43:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
i love that word "redeemed". i am not a big tattoo person, but if i had a tattoo it would say redeemed. that's a word i could live with being etched into my skin forever. i love the letters and the double e. i love the way it feels when it rolls off my lips, "REDEEMED!" but mainly i love what it means when it falls on all over the waffle squares of my life that i can't control, and my gracious Savior says it to me over and over again while the dump truck bed fills with my tears., "REDEEMED, REDEEMED, REDEEMED! MY child, you are REDEEMED!"
as one of my best friends would say in her sweet southern accent, " you are one hot mess right now." it's SO true. but i am seeking out the sanctuaries of my life and embracing the words, "be still!" i am learning to acknowledge all my glaring weaknesses and destroy my "everything is fine" box. it's not comfortable. it's not as pretty as lined up trucks and matchbox cars, but it's a necessity.
here's to the raging sea and the company that we have there!!
~s
No comments:
Post a Comment