Living In The Storm: An alone visit

Thanks to a super sweet friend, today, I went and saw my mom all alone. *Oh, what bliss* While, I am more than happy to take the kids and let them love on their Grams, sometimes I just want to go alone with no distractions. Today, I wanted to selfishly soak her up all by myself. I wanted to say things to her in private, for her ears alone.

Today, I sat in the very rocking chair she sat in and rocked me when I was baby. I rocked and held her very, tiny, frail hand. She slept, I rocked. The room was almost quiet, there was just the smallest background noise of... you guessed it, The Gaither Vocal Band. :) I am not the least bit acclimated to silence. Very, very rarely is silence the melody of which I dance my days to. But today, I let the silence stir me to a place of being uncomfortable. I refused to get up and clean her already clean room, or write additional notes on the board or in the notebook. I let the silence direct me to watch her, absorb her, take a million mental pictures that I swore to myself I would never forget. I watched her mouth try and form words, I watched her very heavy eyes try to open and look at me, I watched her chest rise and fall, each time I would hold my breath feeling as if there are not enough days left for me to tell her everything I need to tell her.

Recently, she said to me, as if she were out of breath, " I am so tired of this, I want to go home!" I stood up, brushed my hand thru her beautiful gray hair, leaned my forehead against hers and spoke the words every child dreads, "Go home Mama! Go and be with Jesus! He and a host of angelic company await you. If you are ready, go."

I know very little about the dying process. But I know that I don't dare waste one second of the precious time I've been given with my Mom to tell her all the things I need to say.

Thank you, for sacrificing your everything to see us through.
I love you.
Thank you, for instilling in us Jesus.
I love you.

I need you, desperately. I've always needed you.
Won't I be terribly lost without you?
I'll always on some level need you.

Thank you.
I love you.
~s