Living in the Storm: I miss the little things...

"Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life."
Joan Didion

i read this quote the other day. some days it is true to my situation, other days it bears no relevance on my daily life.


this week i was telling a new friend the journey of my mom and our family.  the beginning, when it all started, until now. i finished the story and she honestly just stared at me. her face communicated, " i can't believe you aren't sobbing!" i had to explain to her that the process of the disease has been coming on for so long that the grief is not necessarily in your face all the time. however, there are moments i come completely undone.


like last weekend. my aunt jane and uncle randy came in town for a visit. it was so WONDERFUL to see them! watching my aunt move about the kitchen and prepare dinner seamlessly, made me yearn for the days that mom busied herself in kitchen duties, all the while talking, feeding people, laughing-that unforgettable laugh, cooking, cleaning, mopping the floor with apple vinegar, and just filling the room with this noticeable fullness of life.


i couldn't let the sadness go for days.  i felt totally insecure, weak, and vulnerable all week long.


it is an odd concept to miss someone so badly as if they were dead, but still be able to touch them, talk to them, and see the color in their eyes. it is hard for the heart to process the quick reversal of being the one whom has been cared for all these years, to the one caring for the caregiver.


alzheimer's is like experiencing two deaths. the first death, is a slow death of a person you love more than words could ever express. inch by inch,  day by day, that person slips away from you, there is no bringing them back, there are no re-do's. the second death, is the actually physical death that you dread with your whole being.


it has been a sad, hard week. not for any specific reason, it just aches all over. i miss my mom desperately. it is the tumble dry effect of life, when two such opposing emotions must face off and intermingle in the depths of your soul forever, round and round they spin until the buzzer beeps.


we are not promised an easy life. a life protected from deep pain and hardship. but to quote one of my all time favorite lyrics from a song that haunts my mind... 


"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us.
Who have died to live, it's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows.
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.

If hope if born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.

~s