Just Give Me the Dirt

One of my all time favorite sayings that my Mom and Dad tossed around with us kids was, "Just give us the dirt!" I can still hear the inflection in my Mama's voice when she would say it me. I loved the way she would scrunch her face and tilt her head. I can imagine her sitting across the table from me tonight saying, " Just give me the dirt about the first day of school!"

For those of you just joining us for the first time, today I retired from my role as full time homeschool'in teacher. I have been homeschooling for the last five years, and for those whom have been homeschooling for the last 18, I know you just rolled your eyes at me :0!

I love the night before the first day of school, and for those of you not of facebook, I will re-paste our poem here for your reading pleasure...

'Twas the night before school when all thru our wide house, our children fell silent, silent as a mouse. 

The backpacks were stuffed with germ x galore, while Mom and Dad giggled,"They'll take 3 of our kin, how 'bout four?!" 

The children were sprawled out in their newly unpacked beds, while boxes of Chargers threatened to fall on their heads.

While Mark in his boxers, and I in my glasses, had just settled down with French Camp masses.

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, we shouted with fright,"Lar! Jer! What's the matter?!"

Now Katie! Now Jul-ia! Now Lucy and AJ! On Daddy! On Mama! On random dog with no nay-m!

"To school! They hollered, with Grandparent's glee!! But we protested,"It's two am, school doesn't start til seven-thirty!"

So back to our beds, with excitement in our eyes, school year twenty thirteen-fourteen had much in the way of surprise!


We woke up at six o'clock in the AM, and the last time I remember waking up at six o'clock in the AM, was when I had an infant, like 4 years ago. But this is my new life; early rising, lunch packing, paper signing, Mom-ville.
The girls did awesome! Mom only privately teared up twice. I did not ask Mark how many times he teared up. Kissing my baby girl, Lucy, on her (skwooshy, barely retaining sweet baby-fat,) cheek, in a silent first grade class, almost did me in.
So what do parents do, when the last time they have only be in charge of one child was ten years ago? We would do something phenomenal and celebratory, right?  WellP, we loaded, un-loaded, and spread out hay on our land. I know, I know, it's too much to handle, but like my dad said, " I am a country girl now!" Now, not only do we own a double wide, but we have landscaped with hay. Reserve your applause for the Rodeo, please :)!

But Mark, Anderson, and I emerged from the elementary school unscathed for the most part.


Every time I thought I was going to fall into a million pieces, I could feel my Mama just pulling me along, "Come on Sara, you can do this. This is good, this is right! Toughen up!" 

The end of the school day couldn't come soon enough. There we were waiting outside the school, and there they came, three beaming girls. 

After hours of sifting thru all the stories, here are the results!

Drum roll please!

Katie loves school because her teachers enforce the rules! (All you first born's can stand up and applaud now!) No really, she loved all her new friends, and really enjoyed her teachers!

 Julia's class motto almost made me bawl like a baby :)

Julia spent her evening writing thank you notes to her classmates for the kindness they showed her today. Be still my beating heart :) ( Second born's can wipe the tears from their passionate eyes!)

I'm sorry, who doesn't want their first grader being taught this EVERY DAY?!

Makes a Mama be at peace!

 And Lucy had a great first day because, and I quote, " I didn't go to the principal's office!" SCORE! (All third born's fist pump in the air!)


I received many concerned inquiries regarding the state of our youngest baby boy. At about ten he asked if we could go pick up the girls from school. :( When asked how much he missed his sisters today he said, "259!" And I think in the brain of a four year old little boy, that's A LOT! Then he was SHOCKED tonight to find out that they in fact have to go back tomorrow, and it wasn't just a one day deal. SWEET BABY! (Youngest children can all send 'happys' in the mail, ASAP :)

I am sorry ladies, these boys are taken :)!!

Our hearts are so full from the kindness this community has shown! Our children were surrounded with generous kids and teachers who opened their lives for our kids today. We are so blessed and SO thrilled to think about what lies ahead.

~Sara

WHOA NELLY

Oh my stars.

As they say.

What an unbelievable few weeks. I am not sure where to start, and unfortunately there is no ending yet.

The move was so smooth I would not have known we were moving if I had not been following a Penske for 600 miles. But I did follow one, and we did in fact move (a midst much opposition ;) We blubbered, blundered, and attempted to boldly leave Kansas. Pretty sure we were successful on the blubbered part. I did not feel so bold as I did that ugly cry where you gasp for air in between sobs, all the way to Clinton. My adorable son meekly said from the back seat as we passed 435 and State Line, "Mama are we going to die in Mississippi?" It took me a minute to figure out what he was asking me, but then it dawned on me that the last time he saw me cry, that ugly cry, was when Mama died. "Oh, baby I am not crying because anyone has died or is dying." He gently asked, "Then why are you crying like that?" "Well buddy, I am sad because I am leaving my home, my Daddy, my sister, my brothers, my nieces, and a whole slew of people that I love very much!" Very long pause. "Mama, are you going to be happy again in Mississippi?"

That exchange of words is probably one of the sweetest conversations my son and I have ever had. One of the sweetest conversations I have had in the last 10 days. A conversation that showed me just how deeply he loves me, how quickly he can read me, and his concern for my swift return to happiness.

"Oh, yes buddy, I am sure Mama will find her happy again in Mississippi!"

Since then, there have been glimpses of that 'happy', like when we registered the girls for school, or all 4 of the kids went to explore the town, and I didn't think twice about their safety.*Bliss* Or when sweet faces started knocking on the door to see if the kids could play, or when I sit outside with my morning coffee and feel the stillness and slowness fill my bones. Or when we watched Mark's dad awarded with "Staff Member of the Year". Or when the kids get to run errands with Grandma. That's when I feel my 'happy' just under the surface buried a bit under the stress and displacement just dying to explode out from within me. And I know that when the house finally gets AC, and we are no longer sojourners living out of suitcases, my 'happy' will increase with each settled cabinet, drawer, and room.

But it would not be normal if I did not have a few major meltdowns along the way, right?
I have had them. I have embraced them. I have called them by name,"SADNESS" and they are mine.

The girls start school on Thursday, and I am not anxious at all. I am so excited for them and feel so sure when I see their ease and glow of anticipation. I am already so proud of them.

Here are a few pictures from recent events.

They are more to come, and some more stories too!

~Sara

AJ helping on the back track.

First driving lesson

Welcome!

I will follow him!

 Go carting in P'toc with family!

This Kansas Road

Three years ago, when I started keeping a journal about our dance with Alzheimer's here, one of the purposes was to inform and encourage those of you walking the same or similar road. In my writing, I have tried to simultaneously be authentic and delicate; surprisingly difficult when you are talking about the raw effects of a disease.

July 19th, 2013, marked the one year anniversary of Mama being placed in St. John's psychiatric ward. Recently, Dad and I traveled to MS, and we did what Dad and I do best together; solve the world's problems. In between solving the world's problem, we reminisced about this time last year. Today, I would like to gently tread on some of those life altering moments.

We all had done our Alzheimer’s research. We all knew in some way shape or form what was coming. We knew that paranoia, personality alterations, schedule changes, physical and mental decline, and the slow fading of sweet Mama, were a guaranteed part of our journey. But ain’t nobody have a New York best seller that can prepare you for that segment of the storm.

At the beginning of the summer of 2012, things began to down spiral for Mama. She was sleeping less and less; fear, paranoia, and panic were at on all time high. Daddy and Jonathan were like two parents caring for an infant. Mama rarely slept at night and needed constant care and attention during the day. Exhausted does not even begin to describe the mental, emotional, and physical state they were in. Mama’s mind rapidly began to betray her, the mental disease began to engulf her every moment, and glimpses of the real Val were getting rarer and rarer to behold. The Alzheimer's was all consuming. And it was as all the books had told us, hell on earth; yelling, crying, anger, uncontrollable weeping, confusion, and heart wrenching panic.

July 19^th, 2012, for Mama’s safety and well being, for the safety and well being of Dad, Jonathan, and the entire family, we took Mama to the emergency room. As a family, we had dried up every possible ounce of energy and ability to care for Mama in a healthy manner, to care for her in a way that she was worthy of being cared for. We needed help!! *Small soap box moment* There is absolutely NO SHAME in asking for help when caring for someone with needs that extend beyond your abilities. So often there is guilt associated with placing someone in a assisted living, a nursing home, or having help come into your home, and believe you me, we all struggled with the demons of guilt this time last year, but the bottom line was we loved Mama so deeply that turning over the reigns of her care to someone else was more sacrificial and more painful than any other decisions we had made as a family. Watching my Daddy do what was absolutely the best thing for Mama, irrespective of his own heart bursting into a million pieces inside his body, was one of the greatest moments of love I have ever experienced.

Sometimes love means leaving your wife as she is calling after you, begging you to turn around and rescue her from the living hell she is walking through. Sometimes love means walking down a long, white hallway and hearing the doors behind you snap into lock down mode, you on one side of the door, your mother, the woman who brought you into this world, on the other. Sometimes love means waking up in the middle of the night sobbing in total helplessness, envisioning someone you love more than yourself, being all alone in an unfamiliar place.

The Notebook had nothing on us.

That day sucked.

Memories of that day still haunt all of us.

Nothing but raw, bleeding, sadness.

After walking thru that experience, her death seemed like a glorious gift.

In the middle of that hell, we were so blessed by the people who took care of our Mama. There are not enough meaty words to describe what they did for us and our unsettled, numb hearts. We called at all hours of the day and night. They were patient, gentle, and some of the best health care professionals I have EVER encountered. These people stabilized Mama and made it possible for her to live her final days more comfortably, without the disease suffocating her to the end.

Psychiatric nurses and doctors, cheers to y’all!!

To those coming behind us, when we say, “we understand” we really do! When pray for you, we pray out of this raw place of knowing and remembering.

What a season. What a journey. What a road.

I took this picture the other day and put in on facebook, I said, "sometimes we just need a hand to hold!"

In preparation of closing this season of our lives in KS, I think it goes without saying, that walking hand in hand with my family these last two years has been this unspeakable gift of blessing, healing, comfort, and this joy that makes your heart swell. I wouldn't trade our time here for ANYTHING. I wouldn't trade that awful day last summer, or any of the other awful days before then or since then, for anything less than it was or is; raw. Beautifully, painfully, wonderfully, raw. Because things are just sweeter and a little less awful when you have someone, or a lot of someone's hands to hold. For this journey, for this Kansas Road, I am utterly grateful.

A Petri Dish

If there are any psychology majors, marriage and family therapy majors, counselors in training, those studying cortisol levels, newlyweds, or those of you who need a good reminder of why we are called to abstinence before marriage; I welcome you with open arms into our home right now to conduct your own personal "petri dish" study regarding how moving effects the very nucleus of a family of six.

I have a fairly high EQ (emotional quotient) so when walking through circumstances like a cross country move I try to pay attention to the subtle messages my children are sending me about the move, through their actions, words, body language, or lack of obedience ;) I cannot count the number of meltdowns we have had this week. Anderson cried from the moment he woke up yesterday til the moment he went back to bed. Julia and Lucy are fighting like vicious barn cats, and sweet Katie is asking a lot of questions, (this is her way of processing a big change). This is the place I omit how Mark and I are processing the change, it MIGHT include an embarrassing fight in front of company AND *maybe* a $200 bill at TJ's. *omission*

Change is hard. Moving is even harder. It is not even the 'touching every single item in your entire house' and boxing it that is stressful, it is all the details and emotions in between. Mark was telling me about listening to Tony Evans and his wife Lois, speak on the radio this week on the way to work. One of the things Lois encouraged her listeners to do is before getting out of bed each morning reaching your hands up to the heavens and telling the Lord that this is HIS day, and while we all have our individual plans for the day that HIS plans would prevail.

The last few days I have not necessarily lifted my hands to the heavens, (let's be real, I don't have that kind of energy before my cup of coffee, ;) but I have whispered, "This is YOUR day, precious Father!"

The last few days have BLOWN.UP!! Unpredictable changes, delays in MS, cranky kids, cranky Mama, unexpected bills, etc, etc,.... line it up people. BUT the whole time I have this unmoved sense of peace in my heart. And the Lord has whispered over and over in my quivering spirit, "I KNOW the plans I have for you, this move, and your yet to be home and life in MS!" PERIOD. The first two words always get me choked up, "I KNOW!" I love that He knows, even when I am stirring in a petri dish of unknowns and 'what ifs'. Not only does He know all the details and changes and delays and stresses; He knows ME, my hubby, and my babies. He knows the ache in our hearts, the excitement, the nervousness, the hesitations, and second thoughts we wake up too in the middle of the night.

He knows.

I trust Him. Unreservedly.

He is good. Always good.

And His plans are far, far, richer and more life giving than any plans I can muster up on my own.

So, here is to a day that is permeated by HIS plans, not mine.

~Sara
Enjoy some pics of our final days in KS.

Chick Fil A Day with cousins

Sweet friends

Last date night in KS

Where we were engaged 12 1/2 years ago

Lucy lost her first tooth yesterday! *SOB*

Church friends

God always provides amazing friends for us to do real life with wherever we go. Not just acquaintances, but people who get in our lives and get covered in our junk and our goodness, and vice versa. We are so, so thankful for the Coopers, who have blessed us with their friendship, their lives, and their MANY gifts!

I am a brat!

I am very much a fan of the 'name it and claim it' camp.. not necessarily when it comes to religious philosophy, but most definitely when it comes to my junk. I try so hard to write on this blog when I am mostly balanced and stable. If you do life with me, you know that I am never 100% balanced and stable, how boring would THAT be? ;) All that to say, I try not to write when I am depressed, so that I am not like the next Mrs. Eeyore roaming the earth, and I try not to write when things are just peachy, because often times others read into that as if I am trying to communicate I have a perfect life. NEWS FLASH: I do not have a perfect life!! Hence, the reason I try to be well rounded in my writing.

Friday I failed you. Failed me.

When I write, typically there is only one person on this earth whose response I am looking for; Mark's. I can receive wonderful accolades from across the globe, but it is NOT until I hear the words come from his mouth, "Great blog today, babe."  "Laughed so hard I spit across the room!" "Sobbed like a baby in my office!" etc..etc.. Then I can dust my hands off and rest after a good day's work. But Friday, I could see it in his eyes when he walked in the door and said, "Today's blog wasn't your typical M.O., everything ok?"

Convicted.

UGH!

We are moving, and that is not an excuse. But for those who have moved before you know that when you add 'moving' to the equation of life the whole thing is an unbalanced mess. Friday was a mess. I was a mess. Broken, sensitive, hurting, aching, unsure, unpredictable, just the most unpleasant peach to be around EVER. Ask my children, Mark and my KK.

When I sat down to write I was so self absorbed I had the audacity to complain about a smart phone. FOR REAL? A smart phone. *now everyone is frantically looking for Friday's post* I deleted it because it was not me. It wasn't anything extreme, just me being a first world brat with a first world complaint about my iphone. GIVE.ME.A.BREAK!

There are so many other things that I want to write about in this space concerning far more valuable areas.  Areas that enrich your time spent on this blog and my time spent writing. Complaining is not how I want to spend my time or your time.

If you happened to come across the blog on Friday, please forgive my selfishness.

When I regrouped and put my "world view" glasses back on I was ashamed, literally, ashamed, of how I often get wrapped up in my first world ridiculousness, when others have nothing. NOTHING.

Tonight I am grateful for gentle husbands, amazing cousins, large margaritas, delete buttons, and buckets of forgiveness that my heart abundantly needs.

Thanks for continuing to read from the hand of this very broken writer!

Loves,
~Sara

Don't Build Your House on the Sandy Land...

Who knew one could get so excited over seeing some red Mississippi clay all over one's land? We are thrilled because this means our house, which will soon be our home, is just days away from being placed.

When I was little we sang a Psalty the Singing Song Book song called, "Don't Build Your House on the Sandy Land"...

Double wide house planting 101; you cannot place sand underneath your house. It must be a firm dirt or clay. Otherwise you will sink. "Oh, it might be kind of nice, but you'll have to build it twice, oh you'll have to build your house once more!"

Last Monday, we prayed over our house as we left it sitting on the lot, our heart's prayer, "Lord, make this house a home that will be a safe haven not only for our immediate family, but for any one who passes through. May our home reflect the unique characteristics of our family dynamics and put all at ease who enter. May incorrect assumptions regarding passed stigmas of the type of home we have chosen for our family, cease to exist. May the walls of our home testify that even in private we want Jesus, that His Lordship guides our home. May the relationships that we build and sustain under this very roof glorify our Maker. Protect the hearts in this home, as real brokenness is contained in every fiber of our being. May it never be said of us that, "we did not know the Lord nor the work which He has done" (Judges 2:10). This very home is a testimony of a very alive and active God, who pursues sweet things for His people and blesses them. We are humbled! May our home be foretaste of everlasting fellowship divine. Amen!"

"As for us and our double wide, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD!" Joshua 24:15 (double wide version ;)

Thank you Jesus, for abundant blessings!
~Sara

Major Happenings!!

Oh wow. Not even sure where to begin! 

We had such an eventful week that one blog post might not cover it all.

First, our two big girls were privileged to experience Camp of the Rising Son for the first time as campers. This is the camp that Mark and I first met each other at 15 years ago. Their Uncle Zach, and the entire staff ensured that these two girls would bleed camp some day like their parents. Thank you CRS for a fantastic first over night camp experience! One we will not soon forget. 

Second, on Monday we bought our home. Ya know, just a typical Monday ;)

Kitchen looking into Family Room

Family room into Kitchen

Master Bathroom (notice Lucy's face)

Kitchen

Living Room

Family Room

More Master Bath

These two had a fantastic week being only children!

The beautiful piece of land that will soon be home!

What Anderson thinks life in MS will look like.

The new neighborhood

Mark building stairs because he has what it takes :)

And these two still smiling!

Then finally, we got our MS tags, registered to vote, picked our address, dug for a water meter, and joined the rest of the world with smart phones. However, Mark will not get his until we move back to MS because he is waiting on the Samsung 4s, because Apple was not good enough for him :)

All in a all a great week. Only thing left.... pack our life up in 18 days and brace ourselves to let Kansas go. Nothing short of a miracle.

~Sara