I Only Wish....

Katie made me a book for Mother's Day.  It's always very interesting to me what my kids have to say about who they think I am.  For instance, I often asked the kids to fill in the blank, "Name one thing you wish I (mom) did differently", " Name something that Mom does that makes you feel really loved," "Name something that Mom does that makes you feel unloved".  Although, these questions are REALLY hard to ask sometimes, I have learned that there are some things I do and don't do that hurt my children, things I would have never been aware of until possibly it was too late.  If you use this technique, please be forewarned, it can be very convicting.

Any who back to the book,  I will not repeat every detail of the book. It was totally Katie, and it was totally precious. The one page that spoke volumes to my heart was the page full of words describing me.

First, the oh-so-funny ones that are right on:
Coffee
Fox News
Driver
Kansas
Cleaner

I mean, for real? That is like one full day for me in five words. Although, had she added Twenty-Four, she would have been 6 for 6. ;)

Next, words that I really appreciate:
Ready and Respectful

Of course there were many words that made me feel very loved:
Helpful
Smart
Loving
Joyful
Married
Knows a lot
Awesome
Pretty
Mama

But this one word in particular leapt off the page, smacked me across the face, broke my heart, and made me sob:
BRAVE

My heart heard the word as a small, intimate whisper, "brave, brave, brave"
The definition of brave is the following,
"possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance."

I wanted to pull Katie in my lap and explain to her how I desperately lacked in the "courageous endurance" part. Just last week I publicly announced to my husband and few close friends that I was retiring from all of my jobs except wife, because it had some benefits. ;) The scary thing was I was only partially joking.  I was done. Every time I pivoted to a different department in my life all I saw and felt was desperation, pain, suffering, trials, humiliation, anger, and overwhelming challenges. And it was shitty. Oh so shitty.

A better "b" word to describe me right now, (of course other than the obvious "b" word) is BROKEN. Totally and utterly, broken. Not a "holier than thou brokenness". Not a red carpeted, black robed, high churched-presbuterous brokenness.... but an ugly broken. A swollen eyed, pitching a screaming fit on the living room floor, dry-heaving, begging the Lord to take my mother in her sleep, kind of brokenness...

The good news is I have not fully retired......... yet. (Check back tomorrow the title might be, HIRING!)

It's humbling to know that even as I walk around like an oozing, open, wound; in the eyes of a little girl I possess a characteristic as deep and as moving as bravery....

So today, here is to my little girl who is walking through her last day of school, and who has exhibited more bravery in one school year that I have in my whole life!

"brave, brave, brave"
~s