perspective

we are in full packing mode here. sorry if the posts are inconsistent and lacking in the upcoming weeks :)

i needed to see a doctor yesterday for some things, and i had to burst out laughing when she said to me, "have you been under an increased amount of stress in the last 6 weeks?" *thinking*

 while, yes i have dear doctor. i am the mother of four children under seven. i am trying to move cross-country to kansas, while simultaneously finding a job, a house, a school, and well... a whole new life. i am preparing for 2200 mile round trip "vacation" with my family. trying to organize a mass family picture (this one is a joke :). i am processing and exploring levels of grief that are paralyzing some days. i am also trying to shop, prepare, and serve 3 wholesome meals to my family seven days a week. i am trying to stay connected and current with all the happenings with our families. i am also running a home, paying bills, educating my children, folding laundry, maintaining old relationships, building new relationships. i am trying to raise kids that see Jesus and don't ignore people. i am fighting to keep my marriage alive and fantastic in this sick and dark world that likes to eat marriages up and vomit them out. and, somewhere in that list real life happens.. cars break down, kids get sick, bank accounts go empty, it rains unexpectedly, the coffee runs out and your heart breaks. so, yes dear doctor, i would say that in fact i am under a bit more stress and anxiety then i would typically like to admit.

and while i didn't say all of those poetic things, her response was even more hilarious. " sara, i suggest you introduce less stress into your life, and try not to internalize things so much!" *thinking*

1. i don't ever willingly introduce stress into my life
2. this lovely doctor is obviously not privy to the blog where i hardly internalize a thought :)

none-the-less, i had to think about her comment. and typically, i would like to think i am not a controlling, freaked out, stressed out person. but maybe that's not realistic. ALL of those things in the above paragraph go some where. and right now, i think those things are getting pushed down into my stomach. and well, my tummy is rebelling.

if you would ask, i would tell you that i trust Jesus and "i am casting all my cares on Him" as the sunday school curriculum would suggest. but obviously, my stomach is saying something completely different. which means it's time for some heart surgery. what am i trusting? who am i trusting? besides, going to the foot of the cross with these weights that make my chest feel heavy, where am i taking them? and why am i NOT taking these issues to the Creator of this world, the Creator of this heart that is breaking, the Creator of this tummy that is rumbling, who is patiently waiting for me to call on Him to come and carry me? because let's be honest, i need Him to carry me. we ALL need Him.

~s