Living In The Storm: The Dreaded Question...

I am going to tread very, very gently in this post.  I am not writing while I feel emotionally drained or unsteady. I am writing while I feel secure, at peace, and thinking clearly, (a nice change for us all ;)

There is something I need to tell you. Well, really there is something our whole family needs to tell you.  And while at first you might be offended, turned off, or frustrated... please, please, don't hear what I am NOT SAYING, here my heart. Hear OUR hearts.

"How is your Mom?" is probably one of the most painfully hard questions for us to hear right now. It's also impossible to answer. There is a tight group of people in our lives that actually get an honest answer when this particular question is asked. Close friends and family who are in a daily, intimate, walk with us know who they are, and actually rarely have to ask this question. Everyone else receives a rehearsed and numb answer. What we really want to say to you when you ask this question is, "Well, Mom has a terminal illness. Every day she is less and less of the person we know, and more and more like a stranger. This is one of the most excruciating things we have ever walked through individually and as a family. We would not wish this on our worst enemy. And really, it just SUCKS! Our mother is dying before our eyes."  None of us would EVER say such a forward and unnerving statement, we are our mother's children :) But trust me, at some point we have all come close to vomiting this answer on you...

Now, I am sure this is not the answer you are looking for when you ask this question. AND we KNOW that this question comes from a place in your heart that is desperately trying to help our family.  We are SO grateful that you stop and acknowledge what we are going through. But can I suggest maybe a different way of approaching this subject? And really it's something you can use whenever you are approaching someone who is grieving a loss, or an illness, or some type of  painful circumstance.

Saying things like, "We are thinking about you and your mom and/or loved one. If there is anything we can do, please let us know." Or, "I had this great memory of your Mom and wanted to share it with you!" Or, "Yesterday, I prayed that your family would be filled with courage and grace". Or, "What practical things can we do to support your family this week?" etc..etc..

Those questions are so much more gentle and trigger a lot less of an emotional response. If we feel comfortable or safe divulging more intimate details about our situation, we will... but at the same time if you've caught us on an off day, we can simply say thank you and move on without having a total melt down! :)

In the same way, you should approach Mom. Asking her how she is, is not only an impossible question for her to answer BUT it makes her very uncomfortable and insecure.  Avoid asking direct questions. Again, offer just sweet statements of encouragement, "I thought about you yesterday when I saw some flowers on the road and remembered how much you love gardening. Val, I read this verse and wanted to share it with you." If she begins to track the conversation you might be able to ask a question or two, but be aware that she might not be able to answer it. If so, quickly distract her and let the question fall.

I know we are ALL learning together. And like anything else, communication is vital as we wind down unchartered territory.

Your support is a life line to us!

Thank you for not giving up on us at this time!

~s