if you have known my mama for any amount of time you will have heard her say, "you can go there, but you can't camp there!" (eventually i intend on making this phrase into a hallmark card in her memory). when i was struggling with depression, 7 weeks pregnant and spending my life with my head in a toilet, and grieving the death of my best friend, mom never scorned me or shamed me for feel feeling those intense and paralyzing feelings. i remember clearly driving home in the rain one day and calling her sobbing b/c i was just convinced i was going to die that day. she didn't laugh, she didn't make fun of me, she just asked me to pull the car over so she could pray for me. she said, "sara, i don't think you are going to die today, but I don't know that for sure!" and then she said her famous line, "you can go there, but baby, you can't camp there!"
this week i just need to go there. to that place where i don't deny the grief access into my life, where i don't deny the reality of the situation to sit heavy upon me, where i don't deny the anger that sometimes comes over me, where i don't deny the urge to crawl in bed and lay in darkness for hours and sob it out.
i have been doing extended research on the computer recently regarding alzheimer's. and every time they show a picture it's of an 85 year old woman and her great-grand daughter sitting in her lap and they are both smiling from ear to ear. and you know what i think, "screw you lady! i would give anything to be walking through this 20 years from now..." how awful is that? now, do i know that that is the "improper" response to those pictures? yes, i sure do. do i know that i need to address those issues? YEP! do i want today? nope.
no, because i am going to go there. and while i kind of fade away for a while, while i maybe resort to shutting down a little emotionally, while allow myself to be somber, introverted, and detached (3 very unfamiliar characteristics for me), i hear her whispering in that very firm but unbelievably gentle tone, "you can go there for a little while, but baby, you can't camp there!"
~s
Sara - You are such a gifted writer! I have never walked a path such as yours, but by reading what you've written I think I'll be better prepared to love people well who share a similar story. Thanks for your transparency! - Loren
ReplyDeleteYou have a very wise Mama. Praying for you today, friend. Much love.
ReplyDeleteI can hear it in your mom's voice. Sarah God created you with these feelings and loves you in spite of them and He will carry you thru. Even camping is not for long as you build no foundations. Staying in your hurting area may help a bit but you will feel better when you come home again. Your children are so blessed to learn from you and therefore learn from their Grandma too. Your mom and dad have touched soooooo many lives. I will be praying for you dear Sarah.
ReplyDeleteHugs
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