today, i have been reflecting back to a season in my life which was so, so extremely dark. i don't think i've ever addressed it here on the blog, but over the last couple of weeks i have felt the Lord prompting me to share just a little morsel of some things i learned during those dark days.
i had just turned 21, mark and i had been married for over a year. we had just made a huge move from kansas, to the middle-of-nowhere, MS. up until this point in my life i had always lived in the same city as my family, and i had always lived IN THE CITY! florence, ms is far from city living. twin lakes living is even further from city living. i was in the throws of deep, deep depression from losing a life long friend who was really more like a sister than anything else. i was newly pregnant and so unbelievably sick. between the depression and the pregnancy, i slept probably 16 hours a day. we were new residents in the state so i couldn't apply for in state tuition to complete my degree, i wasn't working because no one wanted to hire a pregnant lady who was about to quit, we had not yet formed deep community roots, and it was winter in the south which means endless days of rain. we had hurricane after hurricane. and in my heart the perfect storm was brewing. i was so, so lonely. lonelier than i even knew. the "honeymoon" phase of dating, engagement, and newly wed living was over. it wasn't like anything was wrong with our marriage, we were just coming down from the high. the daily routine was being established and we were finding out what "forever" looked like and felt like with out the endorphins. :)
in my few hours of spare time, while not sleeping and throwing my guts up, i watched an unhealthy amount of television. one of the those shows that i was totally into was the bachelor/bachelorette series. at first, i was just intrigued by all the ridiculous drama and ultimately thrilled by watching the chase and catch game. i could hardly wait til the final show when "true love" was selected and happily ever after was solidified. what i didn't realize at the time was something much deeper and darker was seeping into my heart of hearts. as i watched the flirtatious interactions between the couples i indirectly began to long for that "beginning spark" flirtation in my brand new marriage. "where did those feelings go?" i wondered. i wanted those goose bumps when mark walked into the room, the butterflies when he called. i began to day dream about how it was when it all began. then, i began to compare my daily interactions with mark to the dreamy interactions of those "so in love" couples. i began to compare my growing baby body, with those on television. i began to wonder why mark didn't chase after me like that any more. all in all, slowly but surely, i let my heart and my thoughts begin to wonder away from my mark, my beloved, my husband. not on a large scale, but on a dreamy, what if, scale.
you have to understand, Satan had me right where he wanted me. i was so weak and so vulnerable. i had isolated myself, i was filling my mind with crap tv shows (convincing myself it was just unrealistic, reality, drama), and was not faithfully filling myself up with Truth. i was an easy target. at the time, really, there was nothing wrong with our marriage. mark and i were not fighting, arguing, having communication problems... NOTHING! we had been equipped with some of the best marital tools one could ask for. i had no doubts about being married to mark, and knew at the time i loved him with every fiber in my body... but i was doing a really awful job of protecting my heart from the things of this world. a small foothold begin to wiggle it's way into my marriage. thankfully, by the grace of God, one instance in particular woke me up and shined a light onto the private condition of my heart. i was humbled. i was overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and grief. while, i never did anything to compromise my marriage vows, i saw how my heart had fooled me and i was on the verge of walking down a VERY destructive path. immediately, i confessed to mark and others in my close circle of friends and family, and begged them to pray for me. one of the decisions mark and i made was to watch less television. and after a small period of evaluation, i began to see without blinders on what those shows were doing to my heart. then, after realizing my own vulnerability, i began this massive quest to learn how to better protect my heart and my marriage. it was an amazing journey. i read, i read, i read, i interviewed people, i studied TONS of scripture, and the Lord revealed oodles and oodles to me. i wouldn't trade that season for ANYTHING! i learned that crap shows, crap movies, crap novels, sink into private places in my heart and thought life, and it's a very dangerous place when i allow them in. ultimately, they have no place in my home, in my marriage, and in my relationships. they make me susceptible and they make my husband susceptible.
while, i am totally responsible for the condition of marriage and the decisions i make, i saw then and there the power of satan and his ploys to destroy my marriage. it was sneaky. it was so under the radar.
that season changed my life forever, because of it, everyday i wake up and intentionally fight to protect my heart, my mind, and my marriage from the schemes around me. i fight isolation with everything in me. i shine the spot light of truth onto my heart constantly to see where my weaknesses are so that i can be aware. i do not ever again want to be in that awful place of vulnerability, where satan can take advantage of me.
my mark, my beloved, my husband, is God's eternal gift to me. it's no wonder that i am a wee bit passionate when it comes to him... when it comes to protecting this covenant marriage.
i encourage you to evaluate the places you are susceptible. then build walls of protection around your heart, your spouses heart, your children's heart, your families heart's.
scripture gives one anecdote when it comes to battling sexual temptation.. FLEE!!!! run away, don't look back, as fast as you can GET OUT, don't hesitate, don't second guess yourself..... FLEE!!! FLEE!!! FLEE!!!
may we have the courage and strength to do just that!
~s
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