Living in the Storm: Remembering When

the holidays are coming and that often brings about some of the most wonderfully scented memories of my mom.
recently, i have been struggling to remember my mom before the disease.

what did her walk look like?
what did we talk about for hours on end?
what did her voice sound like when she answered the phone?
what did she write inside the endless stream of cards she sent my way?

the disease has been coming on so slowly and for so long now that some of those things just disappeared into the gentle fog.

there are moments when i hear her laughing, or see her tickling the kids, or reciprocating zach's torment, that i see HER! it comes in glimpses. quick snippets of the feisty, wise, warm, outgoing, Mama that i adore. you have to catch it when you can and bottle it up in your forever memory bank.

over the weekend we were organizing the basement, sorting boxes and their content. the Lord had seen my internal wrestling and aching, and He brought me this wonderful gift.

It's a letter from 15 years ago. I was headed to a basketball tournament, mom and dad couldn't go so they tucked this letter in my bag.
This is what it read:

"Dear Sara Suzanne,

Well babe, there you are and here I am, at home.  It's all right, I'll just keep on doing your laundry and washing the dishes. You go on now and have fun time while I work! :) I hope you have a fun time on this momentous occasion.  You are a great kid with a big, growing heart for Jesus.  He is faithful my sweet, and will continue to teach you about Himself. He can be trusted with ALL things- talk to Him, listen to him- He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than you ask or think!

I'll sure be praying for you, that you will sense His presence, whether you sit on the bench or play. That you will be encouraged and that you will encourage others. Have fun!

I sure love ya,
Mom"

And in a matter of seconds I remembered her. Her as a whole person. And in that letter lies everything she would say to me today...

1. a reference to the insane amount of laundry and dishes that i will do for the rest of my life. and a reminder of the amount she has done in her lifetime. :)

2. an exhortation to trust our sweet Savior, NO MATTER WHAT! because He is worthy and able.

3. a reminder that she is always praying for me.

4. and a direct order to be encouraged and to encourage others whether i am "benched" or "playing".

special? doesn't even describe what this letter means to me right now. i so needed to read her bubbly, unscathed, smooth cursive writing... and to remember, HER.... whole!

~s