Why You Shouldn't Get Married

Before you read, please know my heart. I know so many of you have been wrongly wounded in abusive marriages. You have been abandoned and sexually, physically, mentally or emotionally abused. God never intended for marriage to include the equation of abuse. This post is NOT for you. This post is to not heap hot coals on your head. This post is not to burn you with condemnation and judgement. This post is for marriages that do not include habitual patterns and cycles of abuse. While it is true, we are all capable of abuse on any level, many of our brothers and sisters actually live in the hell of DAILY abuse. Again, this is not for you. Let your heart be at rest. Instead, today I pray that your heart would hope, and that you would be freed to find a marriage that does NOT include abuse.

I sat on my precious porch, built by the very hands of my sweet man. The hands that so gently started holding mine nearly 15 1/2 years ago, now build a place for my body and soul to retreat. For as long as I have known him, the mysteries of what his hands can build still amaze me. You see relationships need security AND mystery. When a relationship is ALL security we get bored and apathetic, there is nothing to anticipate with a gleam of hope in our eyes. Every thing is predictable and stagnant, and we begin to "stick it out" in our marriage instead of "sticking together" in our marriages.  When a relationship is all mystery, nothing is predictable or consistent, therefore there is no foundation and no trust. The consequence of a relationship that is all mystery or all security is the same; stagnant relationships that do not grow or change.

On that same porch my husband built, the phone lines between French Camp, MS and Salado, TX carried this message, "I don't even know if I can recommend marriage to my kids!" My life long friend laughed. She knew exactly what I was saying, no clarification needed.

Very few people are willing to shoot straight and tell you that marriage can be the most wounding relationship you will enter on this earth. The way becoming one widens the margin of vulnerability and pain, far exceeds any other margin I offer to other people on this earth. Bottom line, intentionally or unintentionally, Mark has the ability to wound me far quicker and far deeper than any other person, simply because I love him far deeper than any other person. Consequently, intentionally or unintentionally, I have the ability to wound Mark far quicker and far deeper than any other person, simply because he loves me far deeper than any other person.

Mr. Nazareth was right, love in fact DOES HURT!

Without a doubt, I know why people divorce. I 100% understand how a person can walk away from their marriage.

There is so much false expectations about what marriage is and what it is suppose to be, that it astounds me that any one stays married. Oh the pedestal we fall off of during the opening years of marriage. Oh the stripping away of what we thought marriage was going to be, as we enter into what marriage actually is. I've said it numerous times, and I still believe it is THE BEST definition of marriage:
"Marriage is the understanding and promising to minister to your spouse's weaknesses for the rest of your life; regardless of change."

This definition always makes me weak in the knees.

It is mostly impossible to know all there is to know about someone before you marry them. There is a significant amount of false advertising going on during dating and engagement. I'm not accusing people of being dishonest, I did it too. Rather it takes some serious time living under the same roof to figure out who you have really married and all their dysfunction. Marriage is a journey of learning each other's weaknesses and strengths thru the uncomfortable, painful, and messy road of life and continuing to say, "I do!" at every turn. It is the hardest "I do" you speak day to day. Sometimes these words are motivated by the warmest thing you've ever encountered, and sometimes these words are motivated by sheer determination. Sometimes these words drive us from a place overflowing with giddy love and passion, and sometimes these words drive us from the place of grit, grim, and perseverance. Sometimes these words inspire us in the steady walk of companionship, and sometimes these words inspire us in fiercest storm of drudgery. Sometimes these words are said in the blooming spring of life, and sometimes these words are said in the desert of death and disappointment.

The common thread? We keep saying it, regardless of whether we feel like it or not.

Sometimes my marriage is running in the right direction. Sometimes my marriage is walking in the right direction. Sometimes my marriage is crawling in the right direction. And sometimes my marriage is bloodied and beat up, simply laying in the right direction.

Real.Life.

Mark Adam,

I keep saying, "I do" because I am fueled by a Source that refuses to give up on me, on us. I know without a doubt I will always say "I do",  not because I am sure of my own covenant or yours, not because our life is predictable and we are shielded from life shattering pain and separation, but because I am 100% confident in the Source that fuels both our hearts. That Source will never run dry. Never. And if we remain in the posture of even laying in the right direction, regardless of our status, He will abide in us and we in Him. I want Him more than I want you, and that makes me want you even more!!

Let's go build something!

I do,
Siba

I chose this picture today because it's beautiful-imperfect. I'm in a hospital gown (you can't be more un-stylish in one of those) just minutes after given birth to Julia (the physically most painful thing I'd ever done up until that point) and he still chose me. He chose to climb over the railings of a hospital bed and cuddle my body seeing all he had seen in the horrors of  "that just came out of my wife's body!" I remember this moment so clearly. The tears roll without boundaries.