It was pre Joshua's death, pre 9/11, pre Shaylin's death, pre Mama's diagnosis/death, pretty much 'PRE' anything extremely "difficult" in my life. I was a bubble pretty much wrapped in sweet naivety. The biggest loss in my life up until this point was when, at the age of 13, I learned Andrew had smoked a cigarette. And we wonder where Lucy's anti-tobacco campaign found its roots :)!
I wanted to be his more than I had wanted anything before. I wanted his name, I wanted his companionship, friendship and I wanted people to naturally say our names "Mark and Sara" together, for the rest of our lives. I wanted to be engaged to HIM!
And so, whilst standing by a fountain that had been turned off for the winter, he dropped to one knee and asked me to his wife. I was 19, barely old enough to vote and not old enough to purchase alcohol, but wise enough to not hesitate for one second and say, "ABSOLUTELY!"
That night I was engaged to him, having no idea our own personal winter loomed just ahead. And the fountains of dancing in naivety would vanish in but a moment.
Fourteen years later, one of the greatest adventures of my life is striving to stay engaged. Engaged in his mood, engaged in his work, engaged in his hobbies, engaged in his strengths and weaknesses (yes he has plenty!.....We both do!) engaged in his parenting, engaged in his friendships, engaged in his frustrations, engaged in his joys, engaged in his losses, engaged in his gains, engaged in his past, engaged in his future, engaged in his healing path, engaged in his conversations, engaged in his life. I screw it up plenty and disengage far too often. On my best days, I partially listen. On my worst days, I don't hear him at all. But far too often, my eyes glance down while I perform the mundane and I see the ring that sits on my hand that HE put there, and I'm reminded to beat ahead with many blows to stay engaged.
Happy Fourteenth Year of Engagement!
~Siba
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