As my eyes circled the table, trying to take in these very brief and fleeting moments, my heart caught in my throat and threatened to pour over into my eye-lids as my spirit whispered, "Could they possibly know, could they possibly know all the places in my heart that they hold? Could they possibly understand in their maturing ways the irreversible path they have tread on their parent's hearts? Most importantly, could they possibly fathom how deep and wide and long my love is for them? Do my children know deep in their gut and all the way to their toes just how loved they are? When they were tiny, hanging onto my legs every 1.2 seconds, cupping my face in their hands, and sucking every ounce of life out of my bones, "I love you" came freely and often, because well.... their was a lot of togetherness. But as the canvas of our time together begins to stretch thinner and thinner and my legs are bare of their tiny hands, are the "I love you's" so engraved in their beings that the white noise of lies can be muted? As the drama swells and everyday questions of life, love, and pain begin to buoy in their minds, will our "I love you's" rise to the top and sustain them? Do they know that our love for them has NOTHING to do with them, rather our love has EVERYTHING to do with who they ARE, and they are OURS. They are Littlejohns, and that's all they'll ever need to be to receive an unending well of love from us.
#1 As a parent, no matter WHAT stage of life you are in, keep saying, " I LOVE YOU!" Our kids are desperate to hear it. It is one of the few things that will soften the blows of this dark and heavy world and keep the bridge between their heart and ours open for passage.
#2 As a parent, no matter WHAT stage of life you are in, tell your kids that you have screwed up, that you currently screw up, and that you will continue to screw up.
I'm not sure what it is about confessing my brokenness to our kids that paralyzes me, but I have learned that just because something is hard and uncomfortable doesn't mean it is not worthy and helpful. Say "I'm sorry!" Our precious kids need to know they are not alone in the screwed-up department. Sometimes I think we fear if we retrace our bad and painful choices in front of our children, we give them "permission" to follow in those steps. But in all reality, when we humble ourselves and offer vulnerability to our children, we can gracefully and honestly warn them to dangerous paths that might allure them in the future. Our kids need to HEAR about our biggest mistakes. Our kids need to see us RECITE our weaknesses. Our kids need for us to NAME the hard places in our lives so that generational bondage can end, and they can walk a road more full of freedom. We cannot spend a lifetime attempting to hide our roughest places from our children, they know. They might not know all the details and all the words, but our children see even what we are trying to forget. And in the cloud of hiding, the hearts of our children are at stake. There is so much comfort painted all over the lives of our children when they know that mom and dad are real people, with real mistakes, and a real story of redemption to share.
Katie, Julia, Lucy and Anderson,
It will be years before your heart can possibly process the way your daddy and I feel about each of you. In the meantime, you are everything to us! We are painfully proud of you, not just because of what you do, but because of who you are. You are our children, one of our greatest gifts from God! You bare our name, you dwell within our walls, you fill our dinner table and empty our pantry. You write stories of precious memories all over our hearts and lives. You fill our arms and dirty our floors. You drive us insane and whittle us down to sappy tears.
We are broken people living altogether in our brokenness. We have screwed up, we do screw up, and as long as we breathe, we will continue to screw up. We have made foolish mistakes that have left wounds on our hearts and in our home. You have suffered at the hand of some of those mistakes, we are sorry, will you forgive us?
In this life, we have but a moment, and of all the people we get to do life with, God so sweetly placed you with us. We adore Him! We adore each.of.you!!
All of our love,
Mama and Daddy
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