Permission Slips

At some point each of us will be called to walk a road that is littered with tragedy. It is not IF, it is WHEN!

Mom used to say, "You're either going into a storm, in a storm, or coming out of a storm!" And THIS cycle is what we call life.

It will not be until our tear stained faces enter our eternal home that the storms of this life will cease to exist.

So somebody please hand me a permission slip.

Yesterday, I received this permission slip from a friend who has walked one hell of a road herself, and refuses to let me walk my road alone. I will always love her for it. My note read,"You have full permission to use this pass whenever you need!" Then there was a picture of a woman lying in a bed and it read, "I'll be ok, just not today!"

I needed that. I needed someone to sprinkle some permission all over my heart. She gave me the gift of compassion. Compassion means to enter into someone's suffering and reside there with them. Compassion does not include a to-do list, an expectations list, a list that entails what he or she SHOULD be feeling, a list that minimizes one's pain, and disenfranchises a struggle. No lists, no rules, no deadlines, just a warm body entering into your road, grabbing your hand and your heart and saying, "You are not alone, and I'm not going anywhere!" Compassion, while maybe not entirely understanding another's pain, is vulnerable and humble enough to try and embrace the pain in order to offer hope to the broken.

We are terrible at giving each other permission. Permission to grieve, permission to be sad, permission to be broken, permission to struggle, permission to cry, permission to have not it altogether, permission to be a dysfunctional MESS!

As a culture we do it to men from the very beginning of their heart's journey;
"Stop crying, boys don't cry!'
"Be a big boy and get up, you're not that hurt!"
"Real men hunt!"
"Real men play football"
"Real men don't play with dolls!"
"Real men love sports"
"Real men are athletic"
"Real men don't feel anything except anger and happiness"
"Real men don't sympathize"
"Real men don't talk about their feelings"
"Real men don't sing"
"Real men stay neutral"
"Real men roll their eyes when women get emotional"
And on and on we go, replacing human emotion with passive aggressive men who have learned to feel nothing.

Studies reveal time and time again, that little boys are every bit as emotional as little girls, but they are trained to feel otherwise.

If you interact with boys on ANY level, especially if you are raising boys, teaching boys, coaching boys, shepherding boys, married to a man who WAS a boy....PLEASE go read "Raising Cain" by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. It will alter everything you thought you knew about little boys who become men.

Back to permission slips.

We actually do a poor job giving people permission to happy also;
"Geez, why is she so happy all the time, she must think she has it altogether!"
"Good grief, her house is always so annoyingly perfect!"
"She's holding her husband's hand in public, they must think they have the perfect marriage!"
"She's homeschooling her kids this year, she must think she's all that!"
"She's putting her kids in public school this year, must be nice to not have conscious about your child's education!"
"She always talks about what a great job she has, that's so unrealistic, she must be lying!"
"All of her fb pictures have her smiling, tanned, and on the beach. She must be compensating for an unhappy home life!"

We are a cruel people. We've all thought these thoughts, we have all judged someone's happiness or grief because inside we are extremely insecure, selfish, and jealous.

I have struggled through the grief cycle a few times in thirty two years; saying goodbye to two of my grandparents before age 11, holding my fiancee's hand as he said goodbye to his only brother, feeling like I was drowning as I gasped my way through my best friends memorial service at the age of 21, and watching my Mama breathe her very last breath on this earth, only after watching her die for years.

Grief is no stranger in this house. We talk about her with raw emotion. We explain to our children how she can make you cry for no reason at all, or how she can make you feel tired, endlessly tired. We talk about how grief is a sacred journey we are ALL called too. We talk about the opportunities we have EVERY DAY to love people who are grieving, most importantly the people you live with. We are honest with our kids and each other about our heart's conditions. "I'm sad today, I'm afraid today, I'm cranky today, I feel safe today, I am content today, I'm excited today," etc.etc.

No question about death, grief, pain and struggle are turned away in the protected walls of our home. We duke it out around here with our feelings. We speak truth, that sometimes our feelings can trap us, lie to us, and hold us in bondage. Sometimes, a lot of times, our feelings can mislead us. That is why we have to get to know them. That is why we have to familiarize ourselves with them, so that we can interrupt them more clearly. But at the end of the day, no feeling is turned away here, no feeling too big or too small not to explore.

I know there are people in your life TODAY, that need to get a permission slip FROM YOU! Sometimes that is all it takes, one person reaching out and saying, "It is going to be ok, just maybe not TODAY!" Would you be bold enough, humble enough, vulnerable enough to hand out a permission slip today?

I also know that so MANY of you, like ME, need a permission slip today.
So here it is, with the best words anyone ever spoke over me regarding pain, struggle, grief, and LIFE! Words that my mother said to me during one of the darkest periods of my life, "You can go there!" (a permission slip to feel) "You just can't camp there!" (exhortation to stand on truth)..

Go there friends, it's ok, you have permission!
Just no camping!

~Sara