The was of her being

Nine short hours after Mama went to be with Jesus, Thanksgiving stared us in the face. 34 days later, Christmas bells were waiting for us. 51 days after that, Cupid slapped us with the fuzzy heart holiday. And 45 days after that March 31st, was a double whammy; Easter and what would have been Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary. And 35 days from now will be her birthday. In the short span on 165 days that Mama has been dancing on the streets of gold, we will have crossed through 5 major holidays without her, and 160 non-holiday days without her.

It's been exhausting, (and rumor has it that the second year is only more difficult ~ yippeee :) Each holiday highlighting a specific characteristic and memory that widens the hole of her absence.

Last night, after dinner I sat staring outside sharing with Mark some of my memories from the day she died. I wanted to know why we all left the room after she died? Why didn't I stay with her until the very last second possible? Mark gently reminded me that we had been with her for 3 days straight and we had done and said everything that we wanted to do and say. I guess, looking back I would take one second of being with her again.

Each holiday has been mind over matter. Each holiday, I would have preferred to stay in bed all day long with the covers over my head, but  Halls do not work like that. It's not our mother's way. This year my children went Easter egg hunting with Wal-mart sacks, TOTAL FAIL! I can hear my mom now, "Sara Suzanne!" We have relied heavily on our sweet extended family to bring energy and happiness to the family gatherings, while the rest of us graze on the appetizer table and try to carry on as best as possible. (Fry family, you are life savers!)

I have struggled with that word "would"; it "would" have been my parents 40th Anniversary, but my gracious Healer has put those thoughts to rest. Simply put, if I believe that God is absolutely sovereign, (and I do) and if He is the creator and sustainer of ALL life, then there are no "could's and should's" with Him. On November 21st, 2012, the story of Valerie Sue Hall on earth was concluded. It wasn't like there were four more chapters of her life written and put on hold somewhere. Her life's work was fulfilled. Would we have liked to have had many more years with her? OF COURSE! But as little time as I can possibly spend in the "could's and would's" the more I can dwell on what WAS!

And what was, was a beautiful life full of holiday days and non-holiday days. A marriage of 39 years that reflected the very love of Jesus Christ, 8 children who love her, 7 grand children that will be told of her, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews that have pages of love and laughter to recall, and loads of friends who smile when they remember. Memories that will walk with us for a long time.

It's not the would's and could's that matter, it is the WAS that lingers in our hearts and minds!