"Discontentment is holy when it compels us to dream of redemption"
~Allender
I've been pacing the floors of my soul; slow, methodic steps. Allowing my inhales to give me a spiritual high and my exhales to hang in the pollen filled air.
Somewhere between having tasted and seen the absolute power and sweetness of an abandoned life, and living in a culture of the gross excessiveness, I stand bewildered today. Has the persistent call on my heart that says, "follow me, and I will turn you into a fisher of people" led me astray? Or has the trap of indifference captured my heart? Has the repeated, overemphasized, frozen teaching of, 'faith is not a feeling', caused me to compartmentalize and twist goodness, telling myself, 'faith feels nothing.' If so, I am a betrayer of true faith. Because if anything, at the name of Jesus, I feel. I feel some bat-shit passionate things. Shocking. I know :)
In my discontentment, my desire is NOT to do 'more' for Jesus because some guilt-ridden inspiration has led me to an altar call of doing more. My discontentment does not stem as an attempt to earn God's love and favor with a gold star. I OWN His love already. His love is written on my heart, and is the cover story of my life. His favor pours from His eyes when He looks at me, because He sees the cross. My discontentment doesn't come from a yelp that says, "Be radical! Be EXTRA-ordinary!" In and of myself, I'm just a radical sinner in need of an extraordinary Savior. That's all the radical and extraordinary I have to offer. But for the first time EVER in my life, I pace into my inner chambers and whisper in my holy of holies, " Lord Jesus, this cannot be it! Throwing all my energy, wealth, and gifting behind building the 'American Dream' for myself and my family cannot possibly be the 'good works' you have set apart for me. It feels completely contradictory to everything I know about You."
I've been contemplating this week before Easter, how Jesus EMPTIED Himself, and I sit here like Gus-Gus, stuffing my mousy pockets and running budget numbers and complaining, "if we only had more!" I CANNOT think of a more disgusting picture. He emptied Himself, so that I can have a buffet of the "American Dream??!!!" It's not sitting right, folks. It's just not!
When I snucked (how AJ says the past tense of the word 'sneak') home, I was able to sit and marvel and the endless, :) ENDLESS :) stories my dad was able to share with me about his current work at The Sending Project. My innards woke up. My dad is writing the final chapters of his life (no dad, I'm not killing you off!:) and it could NOT be more Christ-centered and selfless. I WANT THAT with an absolute, scandalous passion!
I do not have a very clear idea why I'm so unsettled right now. Why such a discontentment is stirring in my gut. But I can tell you it has something to do with redemption. His redemption.
Acts 2:24 "But God raised Jesus up, putting an end to the agony of death, since it was impossible for Him to be held by death's power!"
SHUT.UP!
When I survey the littered roads of so much secret brokenness and pain, pain that wakes you up in the middle of the night and won't let you go, I cannot sit here and ask someone to pass the popcorn while it all unfolds on the screen of life before me. I want in on this. Whatever this IS!
I cannot think of one person who doesn't need this message engraved on their heart today;
The agony of death is OVER!
Death could not hold Him!
The grave could not keep Him!
IT IS FINISHED!
And the beautiful, messy consequence of His death? Our eternal LIVING!!
I don't know what is God is up too. Maybe it's a bad case of gas, or a midlife-crisis meltdown, but y'all God is moving in this home. He has ALWAYS been moving, but this time I'm putting on my dance shoes, grabbing my handsome hunk of a husband and my gaggle of geese, and I'm beginning to sway to the music.....
Here is my cry;
Come Lord Jesus, come into this place.
Undo us, renew us, and have your mighty way with us!
He is RISEN!
He is RISEN, indeed!
With much Easter love,
~Sara
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