***CLAUSE***
I am barely 12 years into this motherhood journey of mine, and while there are some things I am doing differently than my mother, I do not hold a grudge or the slightest ounce of disdain over my sweet Mama and the road she blazed for me. Each day, I am reminded that my mom was doing the BEST she knew how. She was a broken woman, raising broken women. Just like me; a broken woman, raising broken women. It is complex and far more difficult than my heart EVER could have imagined. So please DO NOT hear what I am not saying, when I recount stories of my adorable mom! All of us moms are making mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes. I apologize daily for the hurt I spew onto the hearts of my children. That's all we can do; day by day. Lots of "I'm sorry's" lots of "I forgive you's" and lots of "I love you's!
Back to sex.
We were standing alone in the kitchen one morning making coffee together. We both knew these everyday moments of brushing along side of one another were coming to an end. Me, waking up in the Gillette house, stumbling down the stairs to find her faithfully there. My mom adored the mornings. I knew she had something to say, she had this tell-tale, ornery look on her face. I stared into my coffee until she started talking.
"Sara, sex is like basketball" (She knew I adored basketball and had played from 5th grade on...so LOTS of mom points here for the zeroing in on something I knew.)
"When you first picked up a basketball you were really bad at it, but the more you practiced the better you got. That's like sex, don't give up and don't stop practicing!"
And so concluded my pre-marital counseling on sex. Bless it.
There was SUCH a sweet reception to my blog post last week, on talking to our cherubs about sex. Thank you for liking it, sharing it and commenting on it. That so blesses my heart! But it dawned on me, that it is just (if not MORE) important that we are talking to our spouses about sex.
Last week, I was so thrilled to see all the conversations about Fifty Shades of Grey. Really, Christians have historically done a bad job about talking openly and honestly about sex. Well, outside of the "don't have sex before your married" talking points. The painful silence regarding this topic has had cascading effects on marriages, churches, young people, old people, our culture, our families and our communities. Silence is ABSOLUTELY the wrong answer when it comes to talking about sex. Silence deepens isolation, isolation numbs the heart and protects secrets, and secrets destroy relationships.
If I could go back and write a letter to "pre-married" Mark and Sara, this would be my advice to us. As per my normal writing, I never encourage you as a reader to do something I haven't done myself. I do not give advice about parenting, marriage, grief, or spirituality, unless I, myself have walked a mile in those shoes. It is NEVER too late to discuss these things. It is NEVER too late to redeem the precious and sacred waters of our marriages.
NO! Mark and I do not have this all figured out, not even close... It can still be awkward and painful when discussing such a serious and intimate topic. We often make mistakes and give in to temptations that allure us. The struggle is REAL! But we keep showing up. We keep coming back to one another. We keep admitting our deep weaknesses and flaws, we keep saying 'I'm sorry', and we keep offering each other profound grace and forgiveness in this specific area.
Dear 22 year old Mark and 20 year old Sara,
I've
been brainstorming, thinking and digging through the last 13 years of
marriage hoping to recall the most helpful advice I can offer you.
I'm about to vomit all over you. The
questions I am going throw out are questions I want you to walk THROUGH not AROUND. I want you to spend MORE time talking with
a professional or
deeply trusted individuals,
about the intricacies of sex. I don't just mean talking to someone who can
prepare you for the
act of
sex, but someone who will cover EVERY.SINGLE.TOPIC.
possible regarding sex. (Sara, I know you've read like 10 books, they aren't as helpful as they should be!)
First,
I think it's incredibly important that y'all talk about how each of
you were introduced to sex. Leading
counselors believe that when a child is introduced to sex in any
other format than with a trusted adult, it is a sexual abuse on a
child's heart and mind.
Did someone sit down and explain it to
you,
or did you over hear friends discussing it one day at recess? How you found out about this topic will determine SO much about your sexual intimacy. Example,
if
you found out about sex because you found an inappropriate magazine, how is that shaping your belief about how men/women should look and behave in the marriage bed? Has coming upon this magazine created an environment of secrecy and shame in your heart? This WILL translate into your marriage!!
Second,
both of your sexual stories (physically, mentally, emotionally) has
to be fully flushed out in its entirety. Who have you
liked, who have you loved, who have you had physical contact with,
whether it's hand holding or sexual intimacy? I think any type of
secrecy in this realm is poisonous. Knowing each other's
complete history will only make moving forward together open,
breatheable and sure. This
conversation will inevitably be painful and awkward, probably one of
the most painful conversations you'll ever have. But it's so
important!
No secrets. No darkness. No "off limits" conversations.
Third,
moving forward together, after your history is revealed, you have to
determine your sexual game plan.Contrary to popular belief, after you say 'I do' your struggles with sexuality, pornography, and masturbation do not dissipate into the thin air of monogamy. What is your game plan? Do you have a army of people going to battle WITH YOU over these uncomfortable and messy issues?
How will you address each of the above issues outside the protection of your marriage bed? Are y'all giving each other complete access
to each other's devices and social media accounts? (I know you don't know what the heck I'm talking about, but in 13 years there will be a bombardment of availability in this area!) Are
you going to be “friends” with ex boyfriends/girlfriends?
Do you need more filters on your TVs, personal devices and computers? What if a new hot intern starts working with you six months from now
and out of the blue you feel an attraction to him/her?
What
are you going to do with that attraction?
It
is important to
constantly be
talking
about who yall
work with, interact
with, go to church with, hang out with, etc. Tell each other if you are
attracted
to them. Tell each other if they give you the
butterflies. Tell each other if there
someone
your thoughts linger on
longer than they should. Tell each other your expectations about sex. What
are your insecurities about sex? What lie is Satan already telling
you about your marriage bed? Determine now, how you will talk to
others about the activity in your marriage bed. Where's the line drawn about what you
can say
to
others about your intimacy?
Be
prepared for Satan to zero in on this area of your marriage from the
very start. If he can destroy, corrupt, pollute and distort this ONE
area then he has a straight shot to every other issue in your
marriage. Sex has to be the most normal, over-talked about issue in
your marriage. Every detail, every feeling, every thought has to be
laid before your spouse. It's incredibly vulnerable and intimidating, but I promise you, you will NOT regret it 13 years from now.
Now go on now, start talking!! And hold on to your knickers, the next 13 years will BLOW your mind! And for the record, it's WAAAYYY better than basketball!!
~The Future Mrs. Littlejohn
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