Confession:
I was terrified when the sonographer told us we were having a boy. Like cry yourself to sleep, "I am not sure I can do this" terrified.
I didn't know what my role would be in raising a boy who would someday be a man.
I clearly saw my role in raising girls.
But a man? What did I have to contribute to the growing heart, body and soul of a man?
I am still on a sharp learning curve when it comes to understanding men. And I have 3 brothers, been married 11 and a half years, and now I've intimately seen the first four years of a little boy's life...
I am less terrified than I once was, but still I have tons of insecurities and questions about how my relationship with Anderson continues to morph into a healthy and sustainable mother/son relationship in the years to come.
Before Anderson ever entered the world I sat down with a woman who I just LOVED! She had raised three girls and a boy with a level of grace rarely seen. Their family birth order was identical to ours. I had watched this woman and her teenage son interact and it was just the sweetest, most gentle, most life giving, mother/son relationship I had ever seen exhibited. I wept as I confessed my fears to her, and she poured out some sweet wisdom that til this day I will NEVER forget. After I left our conversation I had goals in mind that I have sought to implement in my forever relationship with Anderson.
1. I will be Anderson's biggest cheerleader, PERIOD! Anderson will not learn how to be a man from watching me. He will not learn how to fight the battle to which men are called from me. That's not my job. He and Mark will dig through that together. I will encourage, assure, use my words to build him up at every turn, in a way that he will NEVER doubt who he is in our eyes, and in His Savior's eyes. I can be the secure voice that whispers to him everyday, "You have what it takes!" When he and I do not see eye to eye (which WILL happen) I will not demean his core and I will not compare him to others. I will let him transition into manhood and not confuse him by coddling him, nagging him, or lording over him. I will use the power of my respect to grow him into the man he will be. ( That's a long number one I know :)
2. One day, when I was prematurely stewing about my future daughter in law, it dawned on me that I have a choice to live a life before my son that will lay the foundation for the type of woman his heart desires. The interactions between my husband and I will forever be etched into his mind. If my own ugliness and nagging seeps out into my relationship with Mark (or anyone for that matter), then Anderson will become comfortable with women who have a heart of ugliness and a habit of nagging. He will not recognize red flags in women when he has seen those characteristics exhibited in me and is numb to them. Bottom line, men often marry women like their mother, for better or for worse. I am to love and treat Mark the way I want some girl (in approx 50 years) to love and treat my Anderson. WAKE UP CALL TO MU-AH!!
Anderson Joshua, I am not really sure why our relationship is so intimidating and full of unknowns to me, but please know that I am trying with every ounce of energy to find a way to YOU, right now and for the "forever" of our relationship.
You are a light in my heart!
You are a light in our home!
I love being your Mama!
I want to eat your cheeks and pinch your bottom, like all the time ( I know this will have to stop eventually!)
No matter what comes, I am so humbled, so grateful, so overwhelmed by the unique and delicate relationship I get to share with you!
I love you, boogie bear!!
~ Mama
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