Frozen Frogs

This week in fourth grade science we learned about the wood frog.

The North American wood frog is the only frog that is found above the Arctic Circle. This animal has a particularly unique way of hibernating in the winter. Most frogs plunge to the bottom of a pond and burrow a tunnel into the mud to survive. But not the wood frog. All he needs is some wood or a few leaves to hibernate. How does this frog survive you ask? How does he keep from freezing into frog legs? Well, this is what I kind of am loving about this frog..

He DOES freeze into frog legs...literally. He is only one of a few species that can survive after being frozen. Nearly 65 percent of its body is totally frozen for the winter. Once temperatures break freezing, VIOLA! He awakens and goes about his business.

When temperatures drop below freezing the wood frog survives by "flooding his cells with sugar, which acts like a natural antifreeze." (Nature's Way, Webcrafters, Inc.) The sugar protects his innards and neutralizes the water in his body so they don't explode during old man winter.

I feel like I have spent my winter like a wood frog.

When Mama went to Jesus, it felt as if the temperature of my heart dipped below freezing. I was forever altered that day standing by her bedside letting her go. The permanency of her absence still startles me when I least expect. While, we in fact lost Mama in small, painful, increments, for many years; the gravity of our loss did not come full circle until November 21st, 2012.

And my heart froze.

How does one survive the long winter with a frozen heart? My cells were flooded with the sweetest balm of healing sugar one could ever predict. And with that balm my innards were protected from bursting into a million pieces and down spiraling into a pit of hopelessness.

The balm has come at different times, and in specific and generic ways.

*The days getting longer by one minute each evening gives me hope that darkness cannot last forever.
*The song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue gives me permission to admit how worn and fragile I feel.
*Hearing laughter (specifically my own).
*My dad saying the family prayer at our Valentine's dinner.
*Replaying the voice mail one of my best friends left for me the day of mom's memorial service. While she was not here physically, her tears and her voice lives on in my phone.
*The steadfast love of my husband holding me in the dark of night.
*So many, many text messages saying, "thinking of you!"
*The sweet gift of dreaming about my mom; ALIVE, WHOLE! Hearing her voice between her echoing laughter. And desperately trying to go back to sleep to find her again.
*The book "The Healing Path" by Dan Allender
*Talking to my Aunt Lindsey on the phone this week and instantly feeling closer to my mom.
*Crying so hard that my emotions are flooded and I feel purged and renewed.
*Any time one of my kids or nieces say the word, "Grammy"
*Knowing, while it is invisible to the world, there are 5 permanent fixtures walking hand in hand with me on this road of grief. And their bravery to get up every morning and face the world with a hole in their hearts, motivates me to press on.

And last, but certainly not least, this verse has sustained me. I have said with conviction, I have said it in hopelessness, I have said it in anger, I have said it through tears, I have screamed it to myself persuading my heart to believe...

*Psalm 26:11
I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord!

And that is truth.

I am seeing the goodness of the Lord. It has always been there. Now that the fog is lifting the goodness is easier to see.

Spring is coming.

Temperatures are rising.

And bit by bit my heart is thawing. Smiling and laughing are on an increase. Everyday tasks seem less daunting. New ideas are being born. New dreams are being explored.

Am I done grieving? Not even close.
Am I "over" my mom's death? Never.
Do I miss her less? Hardly.
It's just the frog in me is waking up.

Friends, you have been a sweet, sugary mix of natural antifreeze!! You have stormed the gates of freezing explosions on our behalf through prayers, meals, hams, starbucks deliveries, cards, babysitting help, wine deliveries, and overall support from near and far. "Thank you" feels entirely inadequate. But "thank you" from the bottom of our hearts will have to do.

Happy Hopping,
~Sara