Sweet educators of the world, this post is not at ALL an indictment on you. We ADORE YOU! We appreciate you more than you'll ever know. We think you should be the best paid employees in the state/in the nation/in the world. This post is about my painfully, wretched brokenness in the midst of raising four babies. Please hear my heart.
*Clause Over*
We've been tardy, lost parts of our recess for disobedience (RIGHTFULLY SO), unintentionally overlooked assignments, failed a test, forgot to sign homework folders, cried over spilled milk, lost our ice cream money, accidentally had our tennis shoes thrown away, AND we've already had 3 fake sickness pleas.
We started school TWO WEEKS ago.
The honeymoon of the new school year is over. I felt it come up and out yesterday morning, while I had a sloth of a child laying next to the front door, (just minutes before it was time to leave) refusing to put shoes on because, I quote, "the person who invented shoes is the dumbest person in the world. Why can't I go barefoot forever?! Most of the people in this world do not own a pair of shoes. Why are you so mean and make me wear shoes?!" There is not enough coffee in the world to cover up this melt down. Of course my response was angelic and full of the spirit, "you have exactly two minutes to stand up, put some shoes on, find a new attitude and walk out that door like you love this day and everything about it. Including, but not limited to, the brand new shoes I JUST bought you with the deepest love from my heart! Otherwise, I'm locking you in a box til you're 16!"
Said child found shoes.
It really does puzzle me that this transition back into a reality we have known for YEARS, still has us all undone and verklempt. Very little has changed; wake up, get dressed (YES! With the clothes you laid out last night), brush your nasty-asty teeth (cause, EW!) come eat the hot breakfast your mother slaved over because she had mom guilt with all the organic-smoothie and short order breakfast recipes she saw floating around social media yesterday, put socks and shoes on, grab back-pack (lovingly packed by yours truly) and leave. But everyday so far, it's like we just stepped into a Nancy Drew Mystery and everyone needs prompting for the next step.
If you love me, don't visit me in the morning.
Yesterday, at approximately 3:30, I poured myself a glass of red wine (no snarky comments, older brothers!) because the after school shenanigans were about to commence. They make the morning routine laughable.
OH
MY
STARS
Why are we unraveling?! We have 166 more days of this routine to go. Where have I gone wrong? I cried myself to sleep, burdened with the thoughts I KNOW every mother carries, "I'm screwing it all up! All they will remember about me is my anger and rage about completing their homework. All they will remember about me is that I am mean because I made them wear shoes. I'm scarring them forever. Dear God, give them childhood amnesia!!"
#undone
The weight. The pressures. The schedules. The work. The must-dos and the must-haves, almost crushed me last night. As the tears burned my eyes, I felt the spirit whisper, "GRACE! What you are missing is grace. Give them grace, Sara! Give YOURSELF grace, Sara!"
Aw. Grace.
A gift I've been unwrapping for a life time. Each time I open it, I am undone with gratitude.
I've decided August should be national month of grace! Don't we all need a second helping of grace this month? Moms? Dads? Teachers? Principals? Wide eyed- freaked out, students? Professors? Bus drivers? Superintendents? Coaches?......Really, EVERYONE! How would today be different if we all just stepped back, took a deep breath, re-evaluated the unnecessary and impossible standards we've set for ourselves and everyone else, and divvy out an extra helping of scandalous grace.
I need something scandalous to balance out the insane.
I need something unrelenting to balance out the massive list of rules and regulations.
I need something impenetrable to balance out the pressure.
I need something solid to balance out self. MYSELF.
Grace and grace alone, will carry me today, and all my days.
Grace and grace alone, will help lower my posture on bended knee, to the eye level of said child; (struggling not against the flesh and blood of shoe soles, but against her own soul) and tie that shoe one more time.
Grace and grace alone, will walk me through the valley of the shadow of homework death, and I will fear no spelling word list, cause You are with me.
Grace and grace alone, will allow me the freedom to dance in the murky, mornings of muck; coffee in hand OF COURSE!
Grace and grace alone, will tuck me in at night, wipe the wounded tears aside, and give me strength to do it all again....tomorrow.
Friends, give them grace! Give yourself grace! Grab that monster size ladle, and pour delicious grace all over one another. I promise, it makes a monster size difference.
Here's to grace!
~Sara
No comments:
Post a Comment